According to the Daily Mail, the star of the next film in the James Bond franchise will be negro actress and Homo habilis lookalike Lashana Lynch.

Ms. Lynch at a capeshit premier

Daniel Craig will return as Bond, but his new partner and replacement will be a gibbon ape. The film will feature "popcorn-dropping moments" where Bond attempts to seduce the "brilliant, young black woman" who rebuffs massuh's attempts at miscegenation.

Hypothetical cover art

Bond fans need not fear, as the film will feature "spectacular chase sequences and fights", which have always been the core of Bond films, and not the character himself.

The script is the work of feminist TV writer Phoebe Waller-Bridge, who we have never heard of either.

We at TPS have come up with several potential titles for the new blockbuster:

  • From Africa with AIDS
  • Coontwerker
  • Ratchetpussy
  • The Hood Is Not Enough
  • Ghetto Royale
  • Dr. Dre
  • The Nigga With The Golden Grill
  • On His Massa’s Pickin’ Service
  • 8-Ball
  • The Living Shoeshines
  • Quantum of Crystal
  • Welfare Is Forever
  • The Pimp Who Loved Me

Bond aficionado Richard Spencer was not available for comment.